Suggestions for Arod

Right now, Alex Rodriguez is munching contemplatively on nougat from a thank-you Candygram from Michael Phelps and trying to figure out what to do next.
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A-Rod's crew might grade the effectiveness, in terms of public forgiveness, of the strategies employed by those miscreants, compiling a list something like this:

Roger Clemens: Throw everyone under the bus, then load the bus with sumo wrestlers and drive it back and forth several times over the pile of friends and loved ones. Grade: F-minus-minus.

Rafael Palmeiro: Make stern, dramatic statement to Congress that you never did steroids. When caught, blame a teammate who played nurse and gave you a "vitamin" injection. Threaten to sue. Grade: Z-minus.

Mark McGwire: Silence ... other than his cameo role in congressional hearings, where McGwire played the bastard spawn of Mr. Whipple and the Cowardly Lion. Grade: F and sinking every day he refuses to say, "My bad."

Sammy Sosa: Dummy up before Congress, saying your English isn't good enough. Congress should have said, "Hey, come on, we deal with George Bush." Grade: F.

Jason Giambi: Give a vague apology, which comes off kind of like a 3-year-old kid playing Chopin - it's awkward and fumbly and off-key, but everyone applauds and goes "Awwww," because it's so cute and sincere. Grade: B.
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Barry Bonds: Absolute wall-to-wall denial. Grade: B in San Francisco, F-minus everywhere else.

Bill Clinton: "I didn't inhale." Total bull, but he gave the nation a good laugh. Grade: F-plus (bonus for the laughter).
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He can't blame evil influences, although, my god, in Texas, A-Rod was a pig in steroid slop. He was a Texas Ranger when he flunked his MLB drug test in '03. His teammates that season and/or the previous season included drug-tainted Juan Gonzalez, Ruben Sierra, Pudge Rodriguez, Palmeiro and John Rocker. At least seven Rangers from '02 and '03 fell under the drug-scandal cloud.

So Rodriguez could say, "It was an accident. I thought I was climbing into the training-room Jacuzzi, but it turned out to be the team's syringe-disposal bin." But he won't.
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Because A-Rod is so big, his steroid apology will have to be an apology on steroids. It will have to move people. Rodriguez will have to deliver the Gettysburg Address of steroid mea-culpa speeches.

Then A-Rod will sit back and hope for Sports Illustrated to break a story that Kurt Warner and LeBron James are spies for a foreign country.

"Again, it was such a loosey-goosey era," Rodriguez said. "I'm guilty for a lot of things. I'm guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions. And to be quite honest, I don't know exactly what substance I was guilty of using."

In response to Gammon asking what substance:


Damage control.