Maybe not funny to y'all, but I was trolling a motorcycle site and this just hit me right. This guy lives in Columbus, Ohio and posts periodically:
Today I put about 300 miles on my bike... It was an especially eventful day of summer cruising, twisty hitting, and minor hooliganism. Throughout my journey, I kept wanting to thank and/or blast people... mostly the latter. What better place, than in Rants & Raves?
In some particular order... In order of what I remember first!
SQUIDS
Squid (motorcycle) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
*fudge* you squids. I hate you. You give everyone on a sportbike a bad name. Hell, you even give the cruiser guys a bad name too. Put some gear on and ride like you have something between your ears. I am all for aggressive riding, wheelies, and general tom-foolery, but there's a time and a place. On the highway, in traffic, down High St... Not the time or the place for that crap. I guess you are good for one thing...
The squid who lost his flip flop at the light today
BWAHAHAHA!!! You *goshdarn* dumbass... Dumbass for wearing flip flops on your GSXR... Even more of a dumbass for letting it slip off when the light changed and you started through the intersection. I, like you, nearly fell off my bike!!! Of course, you nearly fell off because you are a dumbass and I nearly fell off because I was laughing so hard. I even got the **** next to me pointing and laughing... You looked SOOO embarrassed... Tard.
The **** yesterday at the BMV
You, brunette wearing all black... bangin' ass. Me, big guy, younger, beard, carrying the helmet. I saw you eyeballin' me. You saw me checkin' out your ass. It was lovely. Thank you for that.
Gravel
My arch-enemy. I hate you. I know you have it bad... walked/drove on all the time, but can't you just leave me be? Sure, I used to throw you when I was a kid, but damnit I learned my lesson... Alas, you continue to show up mid-apex just to screw with me. I know you want my tires to wash out and send me into the guardrail, but I am strong. I have prepared for you. Our battles have been many, but so far you have not defeated me... I know, a few VERY close calls, but I now remember where you are on alot of roads... You are a worthy and cunning foe... I do not look forward to our next engagement, but I will work to anticipate your attack.
Sand, mulch, grass clippings, etc.
I know you bastards are joining forces with gravel. *fudge* you. I have, and will continue to, piss on each one of you as much as possible. And sand, my cat likes to poop on you. So there!
Douchebag in my lane on a blind corner on 555 early in the season
You fat piece of *feces*. I was too busy trying to avoid being run over by you as you came around the corner in BOTH lanes to notice... Was that a jelly donut in your hand? You looked like 10lbs of *feces* in a 5lb bag in that little black compact car of yours...
Jailbait
Thank you two jailbait chicks for flashing me your ta-ta's today. You were standing there in your short shorts on the front porch... As I progressed you saw me, looked at eachother, and showed me four of the nicest *funbags* I have ever seen. You looked young, but I guess you could be 18. If so, call me... If not, call me when you turn 18. I will be chafing myself in the meantime.
Hot ass chicks in the red Eclipse today in Gahanna
You *trollop*s could learn a thing or two from those chicks ^^^^^^^^
Freshly paved roads
I love you. I hate you. When too fresh you are a stinky dirty mess... You smell like ass and stick particles of yourself all over my bike... *fudge* you for that. Thank you though, for being sooooo smooth and sooooo grippy once you set up properly.
Ohio road crews
As much as I have made fun of, and otherwise chastized your monkey asses in the past... I must thank you for this year. Some of my favorite roads have been redone. Thank you. Keep up the good work... err... Keep leaning on that shovel, the budget depends on you!
Non-riders with dumbass questions
Common questions/comments, so you retards will shut the *fudge* up.
1) How fast does it go/have you gone? - VERY.
2) Why do you wear all that stuff? - Cause sweat wipes off... Roadrash doesn't.
3) Do you hang with/want to hang with the guys/my friend at the XYZ parking lot? - Yeah, I bought a $10,000 motorcycle so I can hang out with a bunch of douches in a parking lot... Bike Night is one thing... Sitting in parking lot every Saturday for 6 hours is another.
4) Can I ride it? - No.
5) Will you take me for a ride? - No.
6) I bet you get mad ass with that thing. - Yeah, that's exactly why I bought it... To get girls with.
7) You are going to kill yourself on that thing. - Most likely not. A more likely scenario is that your dumbass will kill me. Your Big Mac munchin', radio station tunin', cell phone jabberin', head up your ass havin' dumbass will probably pull out in front of me, invade my lane, or otherwise mow me down.
You gots a baby bike. - My old bike was a 500... Baby bike? That just tells me how *goshdarn* retarded you are. Of course 99% of the other *feces* that comes out of your mouth told me long before that dumbass comment.
9) Can you/Does it wheelie? - Yes I can. Yes I do. It is not hard, nor impressive... I am not especially good at it, but for all you everyone who pops a wheelie 2ft off the ground is some sort of superstar stunter. Glad you are so easily impressed.
Guys who strap their $400 helmet to the side of their bike
*goshdarn* morons. You can get real frame sliders MUCH cheaper... The helmet is for your head, not to look pretty on the side of your bike. Oh, and your wife-beater is clashing with your shorts... and those flip flops are ugly... You guys are *goshdarn* mongoloids.
Grown men who try to get me to do wheelies
You guys are grown *goshdarn* men... For Christ's sake, grow the *fudge* up!!! On High St, in traffic, you want me to stand the thing up... NO! I'd think that someone your age would have common sense enough to see that bumper to bumper traffic is the *goshdarn* worst possible time/place to pull off such a thing.
Little kids I did a wheelie for yesterday
You're welcome and your mom was hot. I think I saw her get a little wet at my display... Of course, she could have also pissed herself.
Pet people in rural areas
Keep an eye on your *goshdarn* animals!!! This has been a light week... in a little over 550 miles I saw two dead kittens, a dead dog, and nearly clipped two dogs as they ran out into the road. If you love your pet, WATCH IT!!!
That deer a couple weeks ago
Don't worry pal, when I came around that turn you weren't the only one that *feces* himself... Glad you didn't kill both of us.
The two groundhogs today
First one... You were smart enough to take off back into the weeds...
Second one... You are one lucky mother*fudge*er. Now go tell the opossum that it can be done and stay off the road! Trust me, there is nothing cool enough on the other side to take another shot at it!
Tar snakes
As the days get hotter, I see you bridging the gap between fresh pavement and gravel. You get *feces* all over my bike AND you try to take me out. Don't think you have a chance though... I have you ALL figured out.
The Sun
Thanks for keeping us all alive and blah, blah, blah. *fudge* you Sun. You are great during the day, but at dusk you suck my sweaty, stinky, hairy, *bunghole*. You play dirty you mother*fudge*er. You shine through the trees and into my eyes causing me to miss apexes, lose my line, and otherwise endanger myself on the roads that I love! Your incessent need to set in the west really pisses me off. You cock knocker, you know damn full well that all the good roads in OH are SE of me... forcing me to come home with you mocking me and getting all up in my face.
Wait a second...
You know, I think you have joined the consipiracy with the others... You bastard. You heat up the tar snakes and get in my eyes so I cannot see the gravel army on the field of battle. What the *fudge* did I ever do to you?!?!?!
Chick at the gas station in Marietta today
You couldn't look me in the eyes... either I had *feces* all over my face (which would be nice to know) or you have REAL low self-esteem. One way or the other, I'd love to play Pinocchio with you... You sit on my face and I tell lies!!!
Weird old guy outside said gas station in Marietta
I have no idea what the *fudge* you were saying. Notice how I kept looking away and just sayin' "yeah" over and over again... You crazy *fudge*er!!!
Cop who gave me a ticket last night
Probably one of the best 'pulled over' experiences I have had... Well, except for the ticket. Nice guy... You and I both know I wasn't still in the 55mph zone when you clocked me... I was cool, therefore you were cool. Thanks for not arresting me and impounding my bike!
*fudge*stick flailing his arms out the window trying to get me to pass him in a blind corner a while ago
Yeah, did you see that dump truck that came around the corner... That's why I didn't pass when you told me to. No need to get all huffy when I do finally pass you... safely.
Two redneck chicks in the S10 in front of me today on rt 78
Adjust your carbs... I think your truck smells like it's running too rich. Wanna *fudge*?
Power plant on rt 60 today
Looked to possibly be nuclear, had one of cooling tower looking things... but you had a lot of coal and *feces* around you... Nice park out front... Didn't see any flippered kids running around... I dunno, I'm confused. Anyway, thanks either way for not blowing up as I passed you.
Guy on the scooter on rt 37 yesterday
Total brainfart... my bad... Had I recognized you were on a scooter, I would have never waived at you.
Speaking of scooters
What's up with all the Emo *fudge*s on scooters around campus? Not only do you look like douchebags walking down the street, but NOW you ride POS Vespas... Scooters are for collectors, invalids, and old people... Maybe chicks. You guys are just douchebags.
Erik Buell
Thanks for making a kick ass machine.
Guys who think they know what they are talking about
Nobody likes a bull*feces*ter... Don't talk to me about a subject that I know A LOT about and try to BS me. I may or may not call you on it, but either way... I know. I know you are a stupid *fudge*.
Scmucks who asked me, 'are you hot?' while sitting in traffic
No pal. I am wearing all black gear, sitting on a *goshdarn* air-cooled bike, it's 95 *goshdarn* degrees outside, and we are stuck in traffic. No, I am not hot at all.
*charmin*s that think I am racing them when I pass them.
It's not that I want to go faster than you do... It's that the journey is MUCH safer for me without you leading. I cannot see any of the *feces* in front of you that you may run over and kick up into me... or that I might run over myself. You flooring it when I get next to you is just silly anyway... You drive an '89 Tercel.
Dude's who tried not to let me pass on 555 early in the season
I hear your bass... I see you laughin' with your buddies... I also smell the dirtweed you guys are smokin'. What's the point in blasting through the straights and going 5mph in the turns just to keep me behind you? Why not just let me get past you? I am much more fun to watch when I am in front. I know you cannot be that high... Your dope smells like lawn clippings! That's the *feces* I used to throw away back in my partying days.
*fudge*heads tailgating me
First you must understand a couple things. 1) I can stop in half the distance you can. 2) If the *feces* hits the fan and I have to grab hard on my brakes... I will not make a pretty hood ornament.
People who I tailgate
The safest way for me to travel is in front. If I cannot be in front, then I might have to be on your ass so I can see the road ahead of you through your windows. I know, in a perfect world I could give assured clear distance, but in Columbus mutha*goshdarn* Ohio ACD means 10 *goshdarn* cars will pull in front of me. You don't like me tailgating you, let me pass.
*vagina* who rolls into my lane
Quit talking on your cell phone, putting on your makeup, and pay the *fudge* attention to the road!!!
Retards that pull out/turn in front of me
Here I am!!! Yeah, that's me!!! The one who now has funny stains on his pants and smells like *feces*. You know, the one you nearly killed!!! Yup, that's me! Thanks for that, I never liked those pants much anyway.
People who make a mistake and blame it on me
Let's face it... None of us are perfect. We've all cut someone off, drifted into another lane, and/or done something that we regret on the road... But folks... Be an adult... own up to it. Don't *goshdarn* honk your bitchass horn because YOU cut ME off! Don't shake your fist because YOU nearly ran ME off the road! Stop being a stupid *fudge*stain.
Meaty chicks with flat(ish) stomachs, fat asses, and huge *funbags*
Absolutely zero to do with motorcycling, but I love them... Especially the pale ones.
Geniuses who named the Lakeside Motel outside of Marietta
Didn't you mean Riverside... I mean, you are across the street from... A *goshdarn* RIVER. Damnit, you *goshdarn* morons.
Guy who's wheel fell off his Vette today on rt 40
Sorry I couldn't help... Hope your tow came quickly and you didn't have to wait very long. Tough break. No pun intended.
My old bike
I sorta miss you. We had great times together, but it was time to part ways. I really hope the new guy treats you as well as I did... You know, the frequent floggings that you bear for the sake of my own selfish enjoyment.
My new bike... Re: My old bike
Don't be jealous. I love you. I loved her too though. Understand that her and I shared nearly 6 years and thousands of miles together. You and I have only shared one month and a little over 1,600 miles with eachother. We have many new experiences to share.
It's just that she was my first... you know, on the street. So we have a special bond. You should really not sell yourself short... She looked like everyone else, had crap suspension, and was kind of a girly color. You are MUCH cooler... very unique, great suspension, excellent brakes, are black, and have nearly twice as many balls. I know I dropped you on the sidewalk before you even had your initial service cherry popped... I am very sorry for that. But haven't I already begun to fix you? Haven't I shared with you my plans for making you stronger, faster, louder, and much ****ier this winter? Don't worry love, you are the only one for me...
