Clive
Full Metal Jacket
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Off-Beat Joke Thread
« on: July 30, 2007, 08:57:33 PM » |
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Hopefully, the first and only in a series:
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to screw the bulb in, and the other to hold his cock. I mean, ladder.
(Hey, it's a new one to me!)
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hobbit
Tartan Jacket From: The Shire
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2007, 09:04:17 PM » |
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Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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I've gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here.
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Dunk
Vest & Plus Fours
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2007, 09:23:15 PM » |
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Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender said, “Rene can I get you a beer?”
Rene said, “I think not.”
And *POOF*, he disappeared!
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spacey
Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat From: Group W Bench
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2007, 09:35:22 PM » |
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A guy who needed a new hinge for a door he was working on sent his wife to the hardware store to buy it. When she got to the store, a picture frame caught her eye and she asked a salesman how much it cost.
The salesman replied, "that's genuine silver and we're asking $100 for it."
"That's a lot of money," she replied, "I guess I can't buy it today." She then showed the salesman the hinge she was looking to replace, and he went to the back room to find one that would work. After a moment of looking the salesman yelled from the stockroom, "hey lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
After a moment of thought, the woman replied, "No, but I will for the picture frame."
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« Last Edit: July 30, 2007, 09:42:58 PM by spacey »
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gleek
Flak Jacket
Karma: 107 Posts: 9511
OfflineE chu ta!
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2007, 09:48:38 PM » |
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Mr. Rabbit, do you have problems with *feces* sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "Why, no I don't, Mr. Bear." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
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Woman, open the door, don't let it sting. I wanna breathe that fire again.
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MP
Vest & Plus Fours From: CA
Karma: 7 Posts: 725
OfflineOne in the pink two in the stink!
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2007, 11:18:42 PM » |
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Mr. Rabbit, do you have problems with *feces* sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "Why, no I don't, Mr. Bear." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
that one actually got me to laugh out loud. |
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twoiron
Full Metal Jacket From: The Drawing Room
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2007, 05:53:34 AM » |
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What's brown and sticky??
A stick.
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"Nothing says sorry like a warm plate of bacon... or so I'm told"
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Aske
Lederhosen
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2007, 08:29:44 AM » |
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Russia has invaded a sovereign neighboring state and threatens a democratic government elected by its people. Such an action is unacceptable in the 21st century. -- Chimpy McFlightsuit, CEO of Bu$hco Industries of 'Merka |
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Blader
Straitjacket
Karma: 21 Posts: 2075
Offlinevagazzling vajayjays since 1876!!
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2007, 10:42:11 AM » |
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After 5 years tending his claim, a prospector decides to "raise some cain",
so he heads down the mountain to the closest boomtown saloon.
"Bartender," he says "give me a whiskey!"
The prospector downs his drink in a gulp, leans over the bar and asks
slyly, "So, bartender, got any women 'round here?"
The bartender replies, "Nope, but we got 'Ol Joe out back!"
"*fudge* you," says the prospector. "I don't go in for any of that *feces*!" Then
he leaves.
Five years pass. The prospector heads back down the mountain, walks
into the same saloon and says, "Bartender, give me a whiskey!"
Once again, the whiskey goes down in a gulp and the prospector says,
"So, bartender, got any women 'round here yet?"
The bartender replies, "Nope, but we still got 'Ol Joe out back!"
"I told you," says the prospector, "I don't go in for any of that *feces*!" And
heads back up the mountain.
Five more years pass. Same prospector, same saloon, same bartender,
same "whiskey in a gulp", same proposition with the same reply.
"Nope, but we still got 'Ol Joe out back."
The prospector, having not had **** for 15 years, thinks for a bit and asks,
"Bartender, if I was to go out back with 'Ol Joe, who'd know about it?"
"Well," says the bartender, "there'd be me, you, 'Ol Joe of course, and
three other guys."
"Three OTHER guys!", shouts the prospector. "What in hell for!?!"
The bartender replies, "To hold down 'Ol Joe. He don't go in for any of that
*feces* either!"
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BFBoy
Golf Shirt From: Ohio
Karma: 8 Posts: 332
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2007, 11:59:38 AM » |
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Mr. Rabbit, do you have problems with *feces* sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "Why, no I don't, Mr. Bear." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender said, “Rene can I get you a beer?”
Rene said, “I think not.”
And *POOF*, he disappeared!
These two had me rolling. Thanks for the funnies. |
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Nickent Genex 3DX 12° w/NV-55 Senior flex
Nickent 3DX 17° Hybrid w/UST Senior flex
Acer 905 #5 Hybrid w/Acer Velocity Senior flex
Acer XP905 6-8 irons Senior flex Apollo Steel
Acer XK HT 9-PW Senior flex Apollo Steel
Acer XC 56° Senior flex Apollo Steel
Bionik putter 34"
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hobbit
Tartan Jacket From: The Shire
Karma: 27 Posts: 1823
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2007, 02:13:07 PM » |
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A three-legged dog ambles into a saloon.
He hobbles to the bar and orders a whiskey.
The bartender says "Hey, the three-legged dog! What are you doin back in these parts?"
The three-legged dog says, "I came lookin for the guy that shot my pa(w)."
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I've gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here.
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stroh
Sleeveless Hoodie From: Impact Crater Springs, CA
Karma: 155 Posts: 16135
OfflineWe're doomed!
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: August 01, 2007, 06:20:29 AM » |
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Q. What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when he hits the windshield?
A. His ass.
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stroh
Sleeveless Hoodie From: Impact Crater Springs, CA
Karma: 155 Posts: 16135
OfflineWe're doomed!
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: August 01, 2007, 08:40:42 AM » |
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A man turns to his wife and says "Hey, I bet you can't tell me anything that can make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks for a minute, and then replies "You have a bigger pen0r than your brother."
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PaunchyBald
Vest & Plus Fours From: SW Ohio
Karma: 14 Posts: 673
Offlinethis place is hell on avatars......
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: August 01, 2007, 11:41:32 AM » |
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These two 90+ year old folks are sittin' on the porch. The old lady finally says, "Thanks for 70 years of bad ****."
After about 5 minutes the old man stands up and slaps the living *feces* outta the old lady. After he sits back down, the old lady says "What was that for?"
Without hesitation the old man says, "That was for knowing the difference."
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Soon to be your local trash man.
I don't play golf anymore. Well, maybe I do sort of. I quit keeping score, started drinkning beer and I started playing better.
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Aske
Lederhosen
Karma: 120 Posts: 31405
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Re: Off-Beat Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: August 01, 2007, 11:57:35 AM » |
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A man turns to his wife and says "Hey, I bet you can't tell me anything that can make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks for a minute, and then replies "You have a bigger pen0r than your brother."
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Russia has invaded a sovereign neighboring state and threatens a democratic government elected by its people. Such an action is unacceptable in the 21st century. -- Chimpy McFlightsuit, CEO of Bu$hco Industries of 'Merka |
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