tdcoly
Tartan Jacket From: The home of misfits, renegades, blowhards, idiots and fools.
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I need a joke
« on: October 23, 2007, 05:26:43 PM » |
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The Bob & Tom All-Stars are playing here on the 9th of November. Two shows were sold out (I was out of town  ). The sponsoring radio station is giving away two front-row tickets in exchange for the funniest joke they receive. Anybody? |
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"I'm only speeding 'cause I really have to poop"-as seen on a bumper sticker
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Aske
Lederhosen
Karma: 120 Posts: 31405
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2007, 05:43:40 PM » |
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"the cubs win the series"
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Russia has invaded a sovereign neighboring state and threatens a democratic government elected by its people. Such an action is unacceptable in the 21st century. -- Chimpy McFlightsuit, CEO of Bu$hco Industries of 'Merka |
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tdcoly
Tartan Jacket From: The home of misfits, renegades, blowhards, idiots and fools.
Karma: 10 Posts: 1279
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2007, 05:53:17 PM » |
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I wanna win 
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"I'm only speeding 'cause I really have to poop"-as seen on a bumper sticker
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gleek
Flak Jacket
Karma: 107 Posts: 9511
OfflineE chu ta!
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2007, 06:03:57 PM » |
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." |
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Woman, open the door, don't let it sting. I wanna breathe that fire again.
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spacey
Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat From: Group W Bench
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2007, 06:13:16 PM » |
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No joke for you but I'm curious about the puppy in your avatar.
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tdcoly
Tartan Jacket From: The home of misfits, renegades, blowhards, idiots and fools.
Karma: 10 Posts: 1279
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2007, 06:26:34 PM » |
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No joke for you but I'm curious about the puppy in your avatar.
A Jack Russell my son just got. You should see her trying to run with the two dogs in my last avatar. |
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"I'm only speeding 'cause I really have to poop"-as seen on a bumper sticker
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tdcoly
Tartan Jacket From: The home of misfits, renegades, blowhards, idiots and fools.
Karma: 10 Posts: 1279
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2007, 06:27:12 PM » |
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." Maybe  |
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"I'm only speeding 'cause I really have to poop"-as seen on a bumper sticker
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stegerman
Tartan Jacket From: SW Corner of Rock and a Hard Place
Karma: 19 Posts: 1114
Offline"Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that!"
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2007, 08:02:54 PM » |
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Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some *fudge*in’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more *fudge*in’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the *fudge*in’ French toast." |
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Think globally, act like you are the only one on the entire planet..
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Spartan
Golf Shirt
Karma: 9 Posts: 403
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2007, 08:35:38 PM » |
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Theres this little old lady
and everyday she goes shopping for
what she needs at a grocery store
one the way to the grocery store
theres this pet shop she passes
with a parrot sitting on a perch in front of this shop
as she passed one bright morning the parrot said
"Hey lady!!!... Your UGLY!!!!"
The little old lady said "What?!!!"
And again the parrot said "Your Ugly!!!"
She was insulted but she went on to do her shopping..
on her way back from the grocery store she passed this shop
again and again the parrot loudly said.."Hey Lady... Your UGLY!!!!"
She went home feeling very hurt and angry...
The next morning she was passing the shop again on her way to the grocery store
and again the parrot even louder this time yelled "HEY LADY... YOUR UGLY!!!!"
Well she was just livid!!!!! she ran into the pet shop and told the owner..
"Your parrot out front of your store has yelled at me everytime i pass..saying
I am UGLY!!!!" The pet shop owner said "Why maaam.. this is a disgrace... that
parrot is a real bad bird and i will talk to him and you will never suffer this indignity again i assure you"
The little old lady went home feeling happy
The very next day on her way to the grocery store
she had to pass the pet shop and the parrot was perched out front.
As she passed the parrot he looked at her and said "HEY LADY...."
Really loud... the little old lady stopped dead in her tracks
and faced the parrot and said "YES?!!!!"
The parrot quietly said......."YOU KNOW!!!!!"
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Spartan
Golf Shirt
Karma: 9 Posts: 403
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2007, 08:36:22 PM » |
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Ice Fishing Contest
The Vikings challenged the Packers to an ice-fishing contest. When it came time for the catch weigh-in, the Packers had 100 lbs. of fish, and the Vikings had zero. The Vikings demanded a rematch for the next Saturday.
This time the Packers came in with 200 lbs. of fish, and the Vikings had zero. The Vikings decided the Packers must be cheating so they demanded another rematch, and sent a spy dressed in green and gold to check it out.
This time the Packers came in with 300 lbs., and the Vikings still had zero. So, the Vikings asked their spy if the Packers were cheating.
"Hell yes, they were cheating! They were drilling holes in the ice!"
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Spartan
Golf Shirt
Karma: 9 Posts: 403
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2007, 08:38:15 PM » |
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Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch.
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Spartan
Golf Shirt
Karma: 9 Posts: 403
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2007, 08:41:04 PM » |
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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day ,had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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Spartan
Golf Shirt
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2007, 08:41:48 PM » |
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Thanks, folks. I'll be doing two shows tomorrow. Drive safely. |
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tdcoly
Tartan Jacket From: The home of misfits, renegades, blowhards, idiots and fools.
Karma: 10 Posts: 1279
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #13 on: October 24, 2007, 04:07:06 PM » |
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Thanks Stegerman and Spartan. I probably should have mentioned that the joke has to be 50 words or less, but I'll try to edit the 'french toast' and the 'patch.'
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"I'm only speeding 'cause I really have to poop"-as seen on a bumper sticker
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fisherking
Mock-T
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Re: I need a joke
« Reply #14 on: October 24, 2007, 07:57:05 PM » |
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So a guy goes into the library, walks up to the front desk and says to the librarian, "I'll have a cheesburger, fries, and a chocolate shake."
The librarian says, "Sir, this is a LIBRARY."
"Oh, sorry," the guys says, and then says (very quietly) "I'll have a cheesburger, fries, and a chocolate shake."
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